The Wake of Dreams

The Celestine Prophecy meets The Silence of the Lambs

      I know. You want me to cut to the unspeakable parts, right?  I’ll get to them.  Trust me.  You can always trust in evil.  But I first need to explain how I came to be this way.  Like God, I have a plan.  Let it unfold slowly.  Where was I?

      I was a model student all through school, never once got into trouble, never had to stay after class.  One of my teachers jokingly threatened to keep me one night just to ruin my record, but he didn’t have the heart.  However, I was a self-righteous little prig.  I did boast some that I was going to heaven and the other kids were going to burn in hell for partying and fornicating.  I used to tell them that when I was in heaven and they in hell they would beg me to bring them a cup of water and I would laugh at them as they had laughed at me.  I was never curious or jealous of their actions as they accused me of being.  I really felt I was above such low behavior. 

      Do you suppose there is a hell in God’s plan?  I’d guess that I’m destined for it in payment for my crimes against my fellow men.  Am I then to blame if it was my destiny from the beginning?  I don’t deny that the choices were all my own.  There is nothing more expensive than Free Will.  I chose to hurt and hurt again.  I could have refrained.  I could have attenuated my harm.  I could have even done good just as easily.  But I decided that after what God had done to me that I was going to devote myself to increasing the amount of suffering in the world to the best of my ability.  He gave me great power to do just that.  He could have chosen not to.  If He didn’t why should I?  Why should I have to go to hell for it?  I’ve suffered enough anyway.  I welcome hell.  I can’t wait to see it do its worst.  It can’t be any more unbearable than what I have already been through.

       Isn’t it funny that you can go into any drugstore or super-market and get painkiller but there is no suffering killer.  Which do you think would sell better if the two were offered side by side?

      Anyway, for some reason, after graduating high school I was filled with an overpowering need to escape the small Iowa town and go far away.  I felt utter claustrophobia on the dusty side roads through the endless cornfields.  I got tired of the attachments to so many people, of being my father and mother’s son, my brothers’ sibling.  I wanted to go somewhere where no one knew me and reinvent myself.  Not that I disliked myself.  I just wanted to explore other parts of me.